Communication among parents and teenagers has never been more challenging. Many tweens and teens today spend more time in afterschool programs, with friends, on sports fields and as babysitters, than they spend with their parents. Meanwhile, sociological factors such as peer pressure, widely accessible cable TV, few family-oriented television programs, excessive video and computer games, the popularity of the Internet, and readily available drugs and alcohol distance teens from their parents.

A teen needs to ask, “Am I letting these distractions affect my relationship with my family, especially my parents?” If you truly seek to get along with your parents, be honest with yourself.

It is rare to find a successful business person or professional doctor, lawyer or athlete— from Michael Jordan to Tiger Woods and the Williams sisters— who did not have a strong relationship with a parent. Isn’t that fact enough to motivate you to strengthen the relationship with your parents?

Effective ways exist to repair the parent-teen communication gap. Most families experience frustrations about everything from curfew and homework rules to dating. But with patience and perseverance, different generations in a family can reestablish ties and good dialogue.

Reopening the lines of communication is key. When we speak of communication, we really mean dialogue. Dialogue requires active listening, as listening is a necessary but often overlooked component of good communication. If one party is not listening to what is being said, then there is no dialogue. Effective listening requires focusing on what is being said both verbally and physically. However, many teens and parents listen with their own agendas, mentally preparing their counter arguments, and thus missing the true nature of what was said.

When a parent asks for your attention, all extraneous activity must cease. What your parent has to say at that moment is more important than any activity, meaning turn your attention away from the TV, the stereo, the computer or even your cell phone or homework. Focusing solely on your parent clearly indicates to the parent speaking that he or she has your undivided attention. Next, maintain constant eye contact. And regardless of the parent’s tone of voice, avoid the urge to interrupt. Doing so serves no purpose and may worsen the situation.

When the parent has finished talking, respond in a positive way. Assure your parents you love them. Tell them how much you need their advice and guidance. It is wise to structure your verbal response in the form of a question. For example, “You know I love you and need your guidance, don’t you?” This is a subtle but profound reminder of their role as your parents.

When the conversation ends, hug your parent or parents, no matter how awkward it may be. Physical communication is powerful. From this point, the healing process can continue, requiring additional patience and understanding. The good news: Often when parent-teen bonds are reestablished, they are stronger than ever.

Not all teens have parents who initiate dialogue. In this case, the teen should spark a conversation. One way is to simply ask “Can we talk?” or “Mom/Dad, when is it a good time to talk?”

Your parent will likely reply “Talk about what?” An appropriate response: “We have each been so busy lately that we haven’t had much quality time together. I would like to fix that, wouldn’t you? How about we meet for breakfast (or lunch, dinner or a late-night snack) tomorrow at…?”

Teens, you are relentless when you want something. Maintaining effective dialogue requires the same vigor. No parent-teen healing can begin until a meeting has been established. If you are involved in extracurricular activities, invite your parent to an event, like a competition or meeting. Afterward, suggest going for ice cream or dinner, whatever seems appropriate.

If possible, hold the early meetings to reestablish parent-teen communication away from home. Talking in a public place increases the probability of a cordial conversation. Relevant dialogue should be limited to ten minutes at first and can be expanded in subsequent get-togethers. Fill the time by sharing tidbits about school and friends. Or, ask questions about Aunt Sally and Cousin Joe; this may help recapture a sense of family. How the message is delivered far outweighs what is said. In other words, remember to smile and maintain eye contact. Basically, about 80 percent of how the message is delivered will be remembered whereas only 20 percent of what is said will be committed to memory. This is another reason for brevity.

A creative way to initiate the dialogue process is by posting short notes in conspicuous areas for parents to find, like taped to the bathroom mirror, left on a bedroom pillow, posted on the kitchen door or put on the car windshield. Initially, the note should ask for a convenient time to meet, and be signed “Love, (your name).” My children and I found that leaving notes for each other served as an effective way to communicate.

Even during the process of healing, it is common for parents to say things they don’t mean. Though such words may be hurtful, they’re generally just intended to illicit a response. Instead of being defensive, say “Help me to understand why you feel that way.” The parent now needs to justify what he or she said. Also, good listening provides a great deal of information that should help determine the next course of action. Be sure to end the conversation on a positive note. Thank your parent for a wonderful time. Saying thanks to your parents at every opportunity does wonders for their psyche— and your overall relationship.

More Parent-Teen Communication Pointers
Many teens feel their parents criticize them unjustly. However, parents typically just want to ensure their teens do not repeat mistakes. And sometimes parents improperly structure what was meant as constructive criticism. Nonetheless, your response should resemble “help me to understand what you mean.” Also, ask yourself the following reflection questions to confirm you’re doing your part in maintaining good communication at home and remaining a stand-up teen.

•Do I have difficulty forgiving people, frequently holding grudges?
•Do I show thanks for what others do for me?
•Do I participate in family activities?
•How helpful am I at home?
•Do I let peers influence me?
•Do I take responsibility for my actions?
•Do I love unconditionally?

Al Parisi is a long-time coach, teacher and speaker. He has co-authored two books on the parent-teenager relationship, one with his daughter Ann Marie, a 24-year-old 3rd grade teacher, and one with his son Anthony, a 19-year-old college sophomore. Both books are under the title of Lunch Bag Notes (Loyola Press). To learn more, visit www.lunchbagnotes.com.