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Starving
Teens
A mother talks about her child’s bout with
anorexia.
by Linda M. Rio
PARENTGUIDE News November 2003
The following is an actual diary entry from
one of the most difficult and painful
times of my life as a mother:
October
22, 1989: 11:00pm
Well, we did it. We actually committed our daughter
to a mental hospital. I still have trouble even
saying those words. I felt like I had no choice.
I was afraid to leave her alone. I was afraid
she would hurt herself. Even though we admitted
her to the eating disorders unit, my main reason
for putting her there is to deal with her deep
depression. She’s just turned into a zombie.
We waited in silence. We waited not as a family.
We waited as individuals hardly connected to one
another at all. It was too scary to be connected.
We were not sure of our connections any longer.
None of us were sure of anything, so we just waited.
At last, the door opened. We were escorted
inside and this terrible, unforgettable day finally
ended!
I have
kept a diary since I was a young girl. I never
intended to use it as anything other than a comfort
to me. I wanted a place to help me remember the
day to day events of my life. I wanted to remember
as much as possible about my children, and photos
alone did not feel like enough of a record. In
addition to being a mother, I am a marriage and
family therapist. Because of my role as a psychotherapist,
I have learned the power of sharing pain and joy
with others who truly understand and care. So
I went along with my daughter’s idea to
write a deeply personal book that includes diary
entries from each of us in the hope that some
other mother or daughter might learn from our
experiences.
I knew deep down inside that there was a problem
in our family. I never expected it to become this
serious. My recollections of the months preceding
her illness are of a teen getting caught up in
the heaviness of life. She took things very seriously—
her friends, school, her brother, her parents.
She would talk to me sometimes, but not nearly
as much as I wished. I expected her to open up
to me like she had years earlier as a carefree
child.
Adolescence changed all of that. The brightness
left her smile, and it left mine, too. My daughter
developed an eating disorder and severe depression,
eventually was hospitalized, and has since recovered.
Most people, I learned since our ordeal, do recover
from an eating disorder; some remain ill for a
lifetime, and some die. Anorexia is one of the
deadliest of all mental illnesses.
I am planning my daughter’s 30th birthday
surprise party as I write this now. She has two
beautiful children and a good life. I discovered
that our experience is quite typical of many families.
I encourage my clients who are parents to not
disregard any of their adolescent’s behavior
as “typical teen” but instead remain
curious about their lives and be willing to spend
time trying to understand the message in their
behavior. Even though 11, 12 or even 16-year-olds,
may seem and act mature, they are not. Tweens
still need guidance, support, coaching and time.
Parents need to be cautious of children who seem
“perfect” or driven to please you
or others. A “perfect” tween can seem
easy to parent— she may appear not to need
you. A highly driven, intense, sullen or perfectionistic
child can be a sign of trouble turned inward and
a possible eating disorder or other emotional
issue. It is important to find out what interests
a tween, even if it does not make sense to you.
If there are family problems of any sort, especially
any “family secrets,” these must be
properly addressed. Teens and tweens may turn
to alcohol or drugs, or the “good”
kids may become consumed with getting good grades,
getting into the best college, looking good, losing
weight, fearing fat or obsessively exercising.
I don’t consider my daughter’s eating
disorder and depression solely her problem. It
was “our problem,” a family issue
which had to be dealt with as a family. It began
subtly with her slowly removing certain foods
from her diet. As a young adolescent, I thought
this was her way of being more independent. Announcing
she was not going to eat chicken grew to a long
list of “bad foods.” Interest in looks
and appearance became an obsessive focus on diet
and exercise, and fear of fat, even though she
was of normal weight and size. Severe mood swings,
isolation and an overall depressed view on life
finally developed.
Getting help in our family included a frightening
emergency psychiatric hospitalization, followed
by lots of psychotherapy for my daughter and the
family. It took courage to look at myself as a
parent and admit that I needed to make changes.
I didn’t want to admit that I had taken
on too much in my life: a family, college, a new
career, maintaining a home. I thought I truly
could do it all without severe negative consequences.
I was wrong, but thankfully opened my eyes just
in time to get the kind of help to turn things
around. I hope other parents can learn from my
experience. I hope that parents can realize the
tremendous task of rearing a child and not be
afraid to get help early on, before problems become
as serious as what occurred in my family.
Red
Flags for Parents:
•Changes in Food Habits
-Obsession with fat.
-Refusal to eat certain “bad” foods.
-Irrational fear of certain foods.
-Ritual behaviors around food: i.e. cutting into
very small bites, chewing excessively.
-Consumption of large amounts of food.
-Secretiveness around food.
-Suddenly leaving the table after a meal.
-Refusal to eat in front of others or hoarding.
-Anxious counting of calories/fat content.
-Isolation and withdrawal from others.
-Excessive and obsessive exercise especially in
spite of an injury or bad weather.
-Signs of purging including forced vomiting, refusal
to eat, excessive use of laxatives or diuretics.
-Fatigue.
-A perfectionistic attitude (the need to get nothing
but excellent grades, be the best).
-Frequent weighing.
-A general anxiety about body image or preoccupation
with a certain area of the body.
-Suicidal thoughts, attempts, wishes.
-Family history of eating disorders, depression,
anxiety, drug/alcohol problems.
-Any traumatic or serious life event which is
not openly discussed and worked through.
-Changes in how the teen looks, i.e. skin tone
and color, thinness, puffiness in the face, dental
problems.
-Denial, denial, denial of any problem.
Linda M. Rio is the co-author of The Anorexia
Diaries: A Triumph of a Mother and Daughter Over
Teenage Eating Disorders (Rodale Press).
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