Etiquette 101 For
Tweens
Five guidelines for raising tweens who will
make you proud in public— or at least
won’t embarrass you.
by Jill Froula
PARENTGUIDE News September 2005
Tweens and manners? LOL! That means “laughing
out loud” in text messaging talk and
that’s exactly what you might do when
you think of your 8 to 12 year old and etiquette.
However, during these important transition
years between child and teenager, it is possible
to reinforce etiquette basics you’ve
been working on since the early years and
set the foundation for the well-mannered young
adult still to come.
Of course it can be challenging to work on
manners during a time when your child is feeling
awkward, starting to rebel and trying to emulate
some very cool, but slightly ill-mannered,
celebrities. On the other hand, knowing how
to behave appropriately in social situations
will give your child the comfort level and
confidence critical for his or her current
stage of development. And like so many things
we do for our children, we have to content
ourselves with the knowledge that one day
they’ll thank us for it. Speaking of
saying “thank you,” that’s
a good place to start in our etiquette tips.
During the tween years, children often lapse
into using a language of grunts and shrugs.
However, children need to be comfortable with
the basics of adult conversation— and
like anything else, practice makes perfect.
Do some role playing if your child is uneasy
or shy. Start with the scenario of meeting
new people. In this situation, a child should
be expected to make eye contact, say “hello”
and smile. It’s also a good idea to
practice some responses to typical questions.
Since adults always seem to ask about school,
your child can be prepared with an answer
such as, “I’m in the sixth grade
and I like math class best.”
Role playing is a good way to prepare for
a new situation or social event, from entering
a new school to attending a church wedding.
Knowing what to expect and what is expected
of him or her will enhance your child’s
comfort level.
Sending thank you cards is a good habit to
instill, but it can be one of the most challenging.
The secret is making it fun and rewarding.
Let your child pick out stationery that reflects
his or her own good taste. When writing the
message inside, the remarks don’t have
to be lengthy but they should be personalized.
“Thank you for the ____________. I liked
it because ____________” covers the
basics and will make Aunt Joan feel much appreciated.
And, you can remind your child someone who
feels appreciated is more likely to send a
gift for the next occasion.
Make sure you pass along to your child any
favorable comments you receive in return.
Your child may play it cool when you say,
“Aunt Joan told me she was so pleased
to get your thank you card,” yet this
will go a long way in making the next
thank you card more forthcoming.
The place to teach table manners is at home.
That’s why it’s a good idea to
have some regularly-scheduled family meals.
Even one meal a week provides good training
time and an excellent opportunity for family
bonding. In a restaurant, let your child pick
and order his or her own food. (Or give a
few choices that you both find acceptable.)
Making children feel grown-up will encourage
them to act grown-up. Don’t force new
foods if all your child wants is a hamburger.
If you have to correct manners, use hushed
reminders such as “napkin, please.”
There are times in life when you simply have
to do what is expected to be considered a
socially responsible and acceptable human
being. Family weddings, anniversaries or get-togethers
when a relative visits from out of town represent
events that often fall into these expected
occasions. Unfortunately, these same occasions
are often not so popular with tweens, especially
if the events overlap with what your child
considers as a much more fun event with peers.
To encourage proper etiquette when it comes
to family gatherings, first decide how strongly
you feel about requiring your child’s
attendance. Are you okay with letting your
child bow out of these engagements, knowing
they’ll likely get back into the family
groove when they’re older? Or do you
want to set some firm ground rules concerning
which events your child must attend, and when?
Whatever your stance, you must make a decision,
explain how you feel to your child and then
stand firm.
When your child is invited to be a guest at
another home, it’s a good time to run
through a verbal checklist of appropriate
behavior. Make this conversation short and
sweet. Have faith in the etiquette training
you’ve already given your child and
be confident in his or her manners. You’ll
probably be pleasantly surprised, or completely
bowled over, when other parents mention how
polite your child was at their homes. This
is good news, because it proves you are making
an impression on your children even if they
don’t want you to notice it at home.
So when someone says, “Johnny is always
so well-behaved at our house,” don’t
say, “Really? He acts like an animal
at home.” The polite thing to do is
simply smile and say, “Thank you.”
Jill Froula is the director of public
relations for American Greetings Corporation,
one of the world’s largest manufacturers
of greeting cards and other social expressions
products. For more information about the company
and its products, please visit www.americangreetings.com.
