Coming Out
The journey of parenting a gay child.
by Kelly Huegel
PARENTGUIDE News January 2005
Being a parent can be a difficult task by
any measure. For some, this role is made more
challenging by the discovery that they are
the parent of a gay, lesbian or bisexual child
(for the purpose of this article, I’ll
use “gay” to stand for all of
these).
Without a doubt, parenting a gay child can
be one of the toughest challenges a parent
faces. But it can also be a very rewarding
and eye-opening experience, and can result
in personal growth and stronger family bonds.
Indeed, discovering that your child is gay
marks the start of a journey. At some points,
it may feel like that journey is more like
a wild ride. But if you’re willing to
open your mind and your heart, it can end
in a pretty remarkable and happy place.
Parenting a gay child can be complex, and
because we all have such diverse backgrounds
and beliefs, it’s impossible to address
all of the aspects of this topic.
On the spectrum of parental acceptance falls
two extremes. On one end are those who are
relatively open-minded about having a gay
child. For them, the discovery is an adjustment,
but one they make fairly easily, in relative
terms. On the other end are parents who, because
of deeply held and unwavering beliefs, will
never accept that their child is gay. This
article is aimed at the vast majority of parents—
those who fall somewhere in the middle. Even
if you don’t understand what it means
to be gay, or have trouble accepting the news,
you keep your heart open to your child.
Based on your own history— your religious
background, your upbringing, your exposure
or lack of exposure to gay people in your
own life, and so on— your reaction to
this information could range from startled
to horrified. And that’s normal. After
all, the information probably comes as somewhat
of a shock, and as such, it usually takes
some time to recover.
When we’re thrown off guard by upsetting
news, we can let our emotions get the best
of us. Parents often respond to children who
come out by accusing them of acting out or
rebelling, saying they’re gay to hurt
them or going through a phase. As someone
who doesn’t understand what it feels
like to be gay, these can seem like reasonable
possibilities. But your child didn’t
tell you he is gay to aggravate you or push
you away; he told you to bring you closer.
Your child wants you to know him as he really
is, and coming out to you is an invitation
to have an open and honest relationship with
him.
Just as discovering and accepting that he
is gay was a big adjustment for the child,
for a parent, learning that a son or daughter
is gay can be difficult. It’s great
if you can accept the news immediately, but
for most, acceptance is a process.
Most statistics state that roughly ten percent
of people are gay or lesbian, and it’s
only really in the last two decades that gay
people have started to “come out of
the closet” in greater numbers. As a
parent, you’ve probably held the assumption
that your child would be straight. You believed
that he’d grow up to have a spouse,
a family and happiness of his own. And finding
out that he’s gay shatters this belief.
You hoped that he’d be free of discrimination
and wouldn’t have to struggle. And his
coming out destroys that hope.
Therapists and counselors say that parents
who find out their children are gay often
undergo a grieving process. They mourn the
death of the child they thought they had;
the death of their dreams for that child.
This is a normal and reasonable process, but
like any grieving process, it’s important
to allow yourself to go through it, and then
begin to move on.
Just as death is a passing, the acceptance
that your ideas about your child’s future
are forever altered is also a transition.
But it’s important to realize that many
gay people live very happy and fulfilled lives,
many with partners and children. Yes, it’s
true that your child is not who you thought
he would be. And now it’s time to meet
your new child— the person he is in
actuality.
Being gay isn’t the sum of a person,
it’s just one part. Just as your child
might be introverted or extroverted, blue-
or brown-eyed, and so on, he also may be gay
or straight. After you learn that your child
is gay, it might seem like you’re looking
at a stranger, but remember that the child
you know and love is still there, loving you
right back. Being gay is just an aspect of
who he is, and in time, it will become normal
to you.
Talk to him. Ask questions. Engage him in
conversation. And most importantly, listen.
Discovering that your child is gay opens a
new door in your life. The process of learning
to accept it offers you the opportunity to
develop a closer, more honest relationship
with your child, and it is an opportunity
to offer him deeply meaningful support—
the kind that can only come from a parent.
It’s true that, despite recent legislative
victories, gay people still face significant
discrimination, lack of understanding and
sometimes hatred. One of the reasons so many
parents have trouble accepting that their
child is gay is they fear for his safety and
mourn the prejudices he will face. But these
prejudices are much more difficult to face
without the love and support of family.
It’s okay to be confused and surprised.
You don’t have to say the right things
or know what to do right away. The only thing
you need to do is to keep an open mind. Be
willing to learn. Chances are, your child
is also just learning about what it means
to be gay. And your family can embark on that
journey together.
Kelly Huegel is the author of GLBTQ, The
Survival Guide for Queer and Questioning Teens
(free spirit publishing). She has worked for
the Metropolitan Washington D.C. chapter of
PFLAG where she provided support and educational
services for GLBTQ people and their families.
Finding support and help navigating this new
territory is easier now than ever before.
A great first stop is Parents, Families, and
Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG), a support
and action network for GLBT people and their
families. PFLAG’s national network of
chapters offer everything from pamphlets (which
are also available online) and recommended
reading to helplines and support groups. Check
out www.pflag.org or call (202)467-8180 to
find your local chapter.
There are also a lot of great reading materials
available. Check out a copy of my book, GLBTQ,
The Survival Guide for Queer and Questioning
Teens (free spirit publishing) to get some
perspective on what your child is going through,
as well as an extensive list of resources.
For some peer-level support, an excellent
resource is Always My Child: A Parent’s
Guide to Understanding Your Gay, Lesbian,
Bisexual, Transgendered or Questioning Son
or Daughter (Fireside) by Kevin Jennings and
Pat Shapiro.
