Kiss
and Tell
Dating and your tween.
by Alana Trocchia
PARENTGUIDE News June 2005
According to statistics gathered
by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy
(NCPTP), the U.S. has the highest rates of teen
pregnancy and births in the western industrialized
world. Approximately one in five teens has had
sex before age 15, and approximately half of
teens ages 12-14 have been on a date or in a
romantic relationship in the past 18 months.
While these statistics are cause for concern,
NCPTP research also shows that, while parents
cannot determine their teens’ decisions
about sex, the quality of parent/teen relationships
can make a huge difference in forming these
decisions. A 2004 NCPTP survey relating to younger
teens revealed that parents underestimate their
influence with younger teens when it comes to
decisions about sex.
It’s key for parents to talk to their
children as early as possible. Teach them to
respect others’ space and bodies when
they’re as young as 4 or 5, says Mike
Domitrz, a Milwaukee, WI-based speaker and author
of May I Kiss You? A Candid Look at Dating,
Communication, Respect, & Sexual Assault
Awareness. He recommends that parents speak
to their children early, because by age 13 or
14 kids will have all of their friends’
(mis)information.
Instead of emphasizing differences (e.g. dating
was so different during your youth), look for
a way to connect with your child. Find similarities,
like getting nervous before a date, and discuss
them in a way that children can relate to. This
makes parents more approachable, Domitrz says,
and kids are surprised, because they assume
their parents know it all. Ask children about
their thoughts— for instance, find out
what your middle-schooler thinks about kids
going out and what is appropriate for that age
group.
There are steps parents can take to ensure the
safety of their children when it comes to dating.
“Know who your children’s friends
are, where they are and where they’re
going,” says Allen A. Du Mont, a licensed
and board certified psychotherapist at A Child
& Family Therapy Center of Bayside. “Approve
of where [your children] go and who’s
there. Is there adult supervision? What kind
of activities will be going on?”
Reinforcing values is also an important step.
“The best way parents can help kids is
to raise a confident kid who believes in him
or herself; that child will stand up and do
the right thing,” says Domitrz. “Every
chance you get, tell them you love them, that
you believe in them and that they’re special.”
Parents shower young children with praise and
encouragement, Domitrz notes, but tend to check
up on tweens, monitoring their grades and performance.
He recommends that parents continue to be supportive
and reassuring of their budding teenagers.
“Set realistic limits, not based on fear,
and stick with them,” says Kathleen Dwyer,
director of Nassau Guidance and Counseling Center
in Nassau County, NY. “It’s good
to be cautious but fear-based decisions can
be unreal, rigid and backfire.” Overly
lenient rules can also fail. “Adolescence
is a scary time, and kids need support. They
deserve to have input and negotiations,
but the buck stops with the parent, the final
decision maker.”
Domitrz agrees. “Parents must be consistent
with standards— even if kids don’t
like it. Years ago, parents used to lay down
the law with a firm ‘because I said so,’
but those kids were much less likely to open
up to their parents. Nowadays, kids ask why
and they want an explanation. Parents can say,
I want you to have fun, but there are too many
risks and I’m going to put my foot down.”
It can take time to get kids to open up to parents,
especially about dating. If you don’t
currently have a close, open relationship with
your child, show him that you care; ask for
his opinions, Domitrz says. When kids feel comfortable,
they’ll open up.
The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy
(www.teenpregnancy.org) offers free downloadable
tips for parents on their Web site (www.teenpregnancy.org/resources/reading/tips/tips.asp),
including the following:
·
Be clear about your own sexual values and attitudes.
Consider your own beliefs about relationships
and dating, and communicate them with your children.
·Talk with your children early and often
about sex, and be specific. Use TV or movies
as springboards for discussion of your opinions.
Emphasize conversation rather than lectures,
asking for their opinions and concerns.
·Discourage early, frequent and steady
dating. Group activities among young people
are fine and often fun, but allowing teens to
begin steady, one-on-one dating much before
age 16 can lead to trouble. Let your child know
your strong feelings about this throughout childhood;
otherwise, s/he will think you just don’t
like the particular person or invitation.
·
Take a strong stand against your daughter dating
a boy significantly older than she is.
And don’t allow your son to develop an
intense relationship with a girl much younger
than he is. Try setting a limit of no more than
a two- (or at most three-) year age difference.
The power differences between younger girls
and older boys or men can lead girls into risky
situations.
·
Help your teenagers to have options for the
future that are more attractive than early pregnancy
and parenthood. Assist them in making plans
to fulfill their goals.
·Let your kids know that you value education
highly. Encourage your children to take school
seriously and set high expectations about their
school performance.
Limit the number of hours your teenager gives
to part-time jobs (20 hours per week should
be the maximum) so that there is enough time
and energy
left to focus on school.
·
Know what your kids are watching, reading and
listening to.
Ask your kids what they think about the programs
they watch and the music they listen to. You
will probably not be able to fully control what
your children see and hear,
but you can make your views known and control
your own home environment.
Alana Trocchia is a freelance writer.
