The Social Jungle
Eleven secrets to helping your child handle cliques.
by Michele Borba, Ed.D.

PARENTGUIDE News June 2005

Being “in” is every child’s dream, but being excluded is painful. There’s nothing worse than sitting alone in the cafeteria or not getting an invitation to the latest party. Cliques rule. Trying to break in can be as tough as trying to make it into an exclusive country club or sorority. This isn’t about trying to make your child Miss or Mr. Popularity— this is about helping your child avoid putdowns. As much as you wish, you can’t take away your child’s pain from exclusion nor promise him that he will be included in the group’s next exclusive gathering. However, there are a few things you can say and do to help your child learn to navigate the social jungle, bounce back from rejection and learn to fit in. Here are 11 ideas to try the next time your child suffers from the pain of rejection or complains “Nobody likes me:”

1. Be empathic. “I know how tough it must be to be shunned like this. Let’s figure out what we can do about it.”

2. Provide a balanced view. “Everyone does not hate you. What about your friend, Harold?” “Nobody has it made at first.” “A lot of famous people were unpopular in high school like Bill Gates, Steven Spielberg and Christina Aguilera. You’ll find your niche.”

3. Don’t press too hard. “This is a tough topic. I’m here when you need me.” It can be humiliating for your child to confess this kind of rejection. Just being available and supportive may be a good first step. Later, he may open up.

4. Don’t knock the other kids. Yes, they’re snubbing your kid, but criticizing them won’t help. Your child wants their friendship, so don’t say: “Those kids are stupid. Why would you want to be friends with them anyway?” Do say: “We can see those kids have their way of seeing and doing things. We just have to find a way for you to fit in.”

5. Talk to teachers. Is it as bad as your kid makes it out to be? Find out the reality of cliques in your school by talking to those adults who are with the kids every day.

6. Start with one ally. One friend can be your child’s social entry card. Tell your child not to aim at first for the whole group, but start with just a one-to-one relationship with someone more accessible.

7. Help him blend in. Superficial as it may seem to you, having the right look, clothing and hairstyle can be critical for being accepted by a clique. Take a good look at the crowd your child is trying to join, and then make a few suggestions.

8. Point for a different direction. If your child was rebuffed by one group, encourage him to try another that may be more appropriate. Sociological studies have revealed an amazing number of different cliques and groups on a typical high school campus including everything from athletes to geeks and artsy-types.

9. Encourage special strengths. Help your child identify what’s really special or unique about them like being a good singer, writer, musician, artist, athlete or a dedicated community worker. Use positive labels to help him reframe himself. Ultimately, this can both increase his self-confidence and make him more attractive to new friends.

10. Help manage frustrations. This kind of rejection can be very traumatic so offer your child healthy outlets and strategies for coping. Suggest he keep a journal, talk to a mentor or express himself in his favorite creative way such as music, painting or drawing.

11. Watch for a downslide. If you think your child is really having a hard time, be available. Schedule a few weekends together. Take him to the gym with you. Take him to lunch. Tune into any red flags like poor grades, changes in eating or sleeping, mood swings, anger or withdrawal, which could indicate problems he’s not discussing with you. If things get really tough, consider seeking professional help.

Michele Borba, Ed.D, is an internationally renowned educator and motivational speaker who has presented keynotes and workshops to over one million parents and teachers on four continents, and is the recipient of the National Educator Award. Dr. Borba serves on an honorary board to Parents magazine and has appeared as a guest expert on Today, The Early Show, The View, Fox & Friends, MSNBC and NPR. She is the award-winning author of 20 books including Parents Do Make a Difference, No More Misbehavin, Building Moral Intelligence, Don’t Give Me That Attitude! and Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me (Jossey-Bass).