Talking to a Sex-at-13
Generation
Make an investment in your child’s future
relationships.
by Leslie Ludy
PARENTGUIDE News May 2005
It was just a small piece of torn notebook
paper. But the words it contained were haunting.
In a child-like scrawl, a young girl had written
a heart-wrenching message: “My Mom is
pressuring me to go out and date boys and
have sex. I’m only 12 years old…
help!”
In my ten years of working with the younger
generation, I have learned that today’s
sexual crisis hasn’t merely crept into
our culture… it has crept into our homes.
The very place where kids should find a refuge
from the pressures of modern culture is often
just the opposite. And the result is a generation
of young people who are destroying their relationship
futures even before they begin.
A recent People magazine/NBC poll shows that
by age 12, three out of ten young adults are
sexually active. A study in Ladies Home Journal
reported that 21 percent of ninth graders
have slept with four or more partners, and
55 percent of 13 to 19 year olds admitted
to engaging in oral sex. Over 50 teen girls
interviewed for an Oprah Winfrey broadcast
on The Secret Sex Lives of Teens— many
as young as 11 or 12 years old— confessed
to regularly participating in casual sex,
orgies, oral sex and anal sex.
An article in the May 30, 2004 issue of New
York Times Magazine, describes the modern
attitude toward sexual promiscuity: “[Teens]
talk about their sexual encounters as matter-of-factly
as they might discuss what’s on the
cafeteria lunch menu, and they look at you
in a funny way if you try to talk to them
about the emotional side of sex.”
If today’s sex-at-13 generation is to
start making healthier choices, they need
to hear voices other than those of the pop
culture, the media and their peers. They need
a solid support system at home. They need
teammates who will help them rise to a higher
standard. They need heroic parents.
Today’s young people are in desperate
need of parents who understand the intensity
of the battle they are in, and who are equipped
to help them experience something better than
the cultural norm. Heroic parents aren’t
those who shrug and say “kids will be
kids,” but those who become champions
for their children’s futures…
no matter what the cost.
As a loving parent, you may feel helpless
against the raging tide of twisted sexual
messages that constantly bombard your children.
But you are far from helpless. Your words,
actions, attitudes and encouragement can be
the difference between success and failure
in your child’s sexual choices. Here
are some practical ways to become a heroic
parent, starting today:
The Oprah Winfrey study on The Secret Sex
Lives of Teens found modern parents to be
in “absolute denial” about the
sexual reality of today’s kids. In my
work with young people around this country,
I have found that most parents either don’t
know or don’t want to believe what is
really going on when it comes to their children’s
sexuality. This was the case with my own parents
not too many years ago.
I was 10 years old when I became the target
of graphic sexual jokes on the playground.
I was 11 when I started being touched and
grabbed sexually in the halls at school. I
was 12 when some of my peers began experimenting
with oral sex and invited me to join in. I
was 13 when I received my first opportunity
to lose my virginity— to a 15-year-old
boy I had known for two days. I was 14 when
my friends began swapping sex stories at slumber
parties— jovially comparing the size
and stamina of their boyfriends’ sexual
organs. And I was 15 when I gave myself emotionally
and physically to the first of several boys
who used me for their own selfish pleasure
and then mercilessly broke my heart.
I did not come from a broken home or rough
neighborhood. I lived in a quiet suburb and
my parents were loving and supportive. But
by the time they decided to talk to me about
sex, I had already been exposed to far more
perversion than they ever could have imagined.
My experience is far more common than most
parents realize. Don’t wait around for
the culture’s sexual agenda to attack
your kids. Reach them first with a different
message. Don’t be naïve about the
intensity of the sex-at-13 battle. Sexual
pressure doesn’t wait to hit today’s
kids until they have the maturity to handle
it. Arm your kids with the encouragement,
knowledge and accountability they need to
enter the battle and win.
It is no longer enough to tell young people
they should wait for something better. They
first need to believe that something better
really exists.
Kids’ aren’t blind. They notice
the lack of sparkle in married couples’
eyes. They observe the fighting. They hear
the harsh demeaning words. They take note
of the lack of beauty, tenderness and romance.
They see the divorce papers and statistics.
Today’s sex-at-13 generation typically
feels that it’s a waste of time to invest
in their future love story, because the idea
of lasting love seems distant and far-fetched.
All that matters is making it through today.
They don’t wait around for long-term
relationships; they live in a world of temporary
flings and one-
night stands.
You may have experienced tremendous heartbreak,
abuse or betrayal in your
love life. But don’t let your own pain
cause you to expect similar heartache in your
child’s life. Rather, let your own pain
fuel your desire to help them experience something
so much better.
Help your children understand that they can
invest in their future marriage even now,
by making decisions that honor their future
spouses. They can love their future marriage
partner long before ever meeting them.
Before my husband and I ever met, he began
loving me. He made a choice to honor me by
setting his life aside for me— physically,
emotionally and mentally. He began investing
in our marriage long before we ever walked
down the aisle. Even before he knew my name,
he wrote me love letters. On our honeymoon,
he gave me a notebook full of letters he had
written to me before I ever came into his
life. I didn’t need to worry about him
being faithful to me after marriage, because
he had already spent years of his life living
faithfully for me.
Faithfulness is something that can and should
be practiced long before the wedding vows
are spoken— it is a lifelong skill that
kids can begin learning even now.
Starting today, you can become the answer
to this generation’s most urgent need.
You don’t have to be perfect to be the
hero your children long for. You simply need
to be willing to rise to the challenge and
fight on their behalf. Don’t let the
warped agenda of the culture win. As parents,
you can help turn the tide of today’s
sex-at-13 generation. Let’s begin investing
today in the marriages of tomorrow.
Leslie Ludy, along with her husband,
Eric Ludy, are bestselling authors known for
tackling some of the toughest issues facing
the modern American teen. Their new book,
Teaching True Love to a Sex-at-13 Generation
(W Publishing Group) offers this young couple’s
unique insider perspective on the sexual climate
of contemporary youth culture and provides
parents with the practical tools they need
to help their kids discover something so much
better than the cultural norm.
