Dear Son
Tell your son in writing all he means to you
by Bill Zimmerman
PARENTGUIDE News October 2005
I grew up in a time when most males— including my Dad—
felt they had to act in certain ways to be “manly.”
At that time, dads were supposed to be the ones who worked
a job to support the family, while many moms stayed home to
take care of the house and children. Men were supposed to
act in control, without discussing their emotions. You weren’t
considered a real man unless you always showed strength and
kept it all together.
Though times have changed, some of these old ideas still linger.
Have you ever noticed how many of the dads on television programs
are portrayed as clueless when it comes to raising kids? Or,
consider the last time you went to an action/adventure movie.
What was the male hero like? Maybe he was tough, aggressive,
insensitive or even disrespectful to women. Young male adolescents
today are often depicted as only interested in sports, chasing
girls, or taunting weaker kids. Messages like these from TV
and movies can make masculinity very confusing to boys, dulling
their innate sensitivity and goodness. If boys passively receive
these messages, then this doesn’t bode well for the
kind of good, sensitive men we hope they will become as they
mature.
Because boys aren’t receiving enough of the positive
messages they need to hear to help them grow into caring,
generous human beings, it is now more important than ever
for parents or caretakers of boys— grandparents, other
relatives, teachers— to take some time and play a more
affirmative role in encouraging boys to be the confident,
yet kind people they can be. Play a positive part in their
development by talking and spending time with boys, and by
writing letters of encouragement in which you spell out the
values you deem important.
It can mean a great deal for a boy to receive a letter in
which a parent or caregiver begins with the words, “This
is what I want from the depths of my heart for you”
or “This is what you mean to me.” Wouldn’t
you want to keep such a letter for the rest of your life?
My own father was not one to write words on paper. The only
ones I ever received from him are those he wrote in my elementary
school autograph book when I graduated from the sixth grade.
He wrote: “I wish I was gifted with words good enough
to tell you what a swell boy I have for a son. God Bless You.
Love, Daddy.”
Just 26 words. But they stayed with me all my life. Your son
will treasure and hang on to your words, too, even if you
have only 26 of them within you to offer. Your boy needs to
hear good words from you as he makes his journey through life.
You may want to write your thoughts in a separate notebook
that you can also present as a gift to a young guy who is
special to you. It would make a wonderful birthday or graduation
gift, with some of your personal, written thoughts for him
to read and refer to over the years. Or you can give him your
letters, one by one, over a period of time when you feel it
is appropriate.
Children, no matter how young, will always remember what you
tell them. Whatever you write will impact your son right now
and later when he grows up. Your words will represent a timeless
gift. Maybe one day he will even share your letters with his
own children or use them as models to express his own thoughts.
Here are some question prompts to help you express your personal
thoughts for the young person in your life.
• Son, this is how I truly feel about you (no ifs, ands
or buts):
• These are what I see as some of your strengths, which
make me proud of you and make you so special:
• These are some of the qualities I hope you will develop
and cultivate in your life:
• These were some hopes that I had when I was your age:
• When I was a child, these were some of the things
I worried about, and here is how I came to terms with them:
• These are the words I wish my own father had spoken
to me to help me make my way in life:
• One day you will grow up and become a man. In my opinion,
these are some of the things expected of a responsible adult:
• This is the sort of human being whom I hope you will
grow up to be:
• These are some important questions you should think
about in life. You don’t necessarily need to have all
the answers right away, but you need to think about them:
• These are a few things I know for certain:
• These are a few things I am not sure about and still
struggle with:
• This is how I would like you to treat the females
in your life:
• This is how I would like you to treat all people you
meet:
• This is how I define real courage, son:
• Besides “I love you,” the most important
thing I can say to you is:
Remember that you don’t need to do all your writing
at once. Communicating your thoughts to someone you care about
is a lifelong process; your son will be your child even when
he is all grown. And don’t worry about making spelling
or grammatical mistakes. Writing what you feel is an expression
of love, not a test.
Bill Zimmerman, author of 100 Things Boys Need to Know
(Free Spirit Publishing), has written more than a dozen books
used by families, children and schools. As an editor at Newsday,
one of the nation’s largest newspapers, he created a
special section for young people on current events and other
issues that has twice been nominated for the Pulitzer Prize.
