It’s My Party
Understanding the history behind bar and bat mitzvahs, and planning
a modern event with a personal twist.
by Jenna Greditor
PARENTGUIDE News October 2005
Adolescence represents a rite of passage marked by many important
milestones. For those of Jewish descent, adolescence signifies
an elevated status and a greater duty to fulfill God’s
commandments.
Specifically, Jewish mothers, including converts, bequeath the
Jewish religion to their children. Such children reach maturity
at 12 years of age for girls and 13 years for boys. These separate
ages dually symbolize when girls and boys become bar or bat
mitzvahs. These titles signal the adolescents’ new role
or ability to reap the privileges and accept the obligations
defined in the Torah as interpreted by Moses, the prophets,
sages and rabbis— from biblical times to the religious
leaders of today.
Ideally, children learn the reasoning behind becoming a bar
and bat mitzvah, including what rewards and obligations the
rite of passage entails, as they study and prepare in religious
school. Parents can supplement the religious understanding by
encouraging their children to practice their Torah and Haftorah
portions at home. Talk about becoming a bar or bat mitzvah with
children. Try to understand the context behind the occasion,
as well as learn why tweens and teens attain a new status at
the designated ages. For specific information on the obligations
and privileges for the separate sexes, refer to the Web site:
www.my-bar-mitzvah.com/index.php, then click on “Who/What/Why.”
Families, especially on the East Coast, often perceive bar and
bat mitzvahs as “party time.” Rather than let the
celebration override the religious service or overburden the
entire event due to planning pitfalls, families can make the
actual bar and bat mitzvah amazing from start to finish with
the right amount of organization and care. How? The first step
is including the bar or bat mitzvah child in the planning process.
A year before the big event, set aside time either every night
or a few nights per week for bar/bat mitzvah preparation. Tweens
should dedicate the first hour of prep time to the service:
whether it be studying their Hebrew or drafting their speech,
which is generally based on their Torah portion. The latter
portion can be for planning the perfect, personalized party.
Party planning demands extra care and attention, even before
a theme is chosen or party hall is reserved. Parents should
adhere to a time-related checklist as they work out the party
details with their child.
The “Checklist & Timeline for your Bar/Bat Mitzvah,”
from www.party411.com/bmtime.html, offers a great reference
point, as shown below:
• Book a videographer and photographer at least one year
before.
• Discuss theme ideas with your bar/bat mitzvah child
one year before, then keep his or her ideas in mind as you meet
with and select a party planner (if you opt to use one).
• Draft a guest list 11 months before the bar or bat mitzvah
date. The list will help you select a venue. Create a separate
list of out-of-town guests and request a block of rooms, preferably
at a discounted rate, from a nearby hotel or hotels of choice.
• Take the bar/bat mitzvah child to your meeting with
the planner ten months pre-party to bounce around decoration
ideas that you and your child have discussed at home.
• Eight months before, update and finalize the guest list
with addresses.
• Look at invitations seven months prior, considering
wording for invitations and any extras, such as transportation
notices or directions.
• Six months before, begin to plan the menu and order
invitations and kipots. (Also known as a “yarmaluke”
in Yiddish, and a “kippah” in Hebrew, a kippah is
a small cap worn by Jews, mostly men.)
• Theme and design should be confirmed five months before,
along with any entertainment that might complement the concept.
For example, for a magical theme you may want to hire a magician.
• Three months before, decide on printed accessories,
giveaways and favors, and take the invitations to the calligrapher
if necessary. Discuss the valet situation.
• Mail invitations two months before.
• Finalize orders like welcome bags and favors four weeks
pre-party.
• Working with your planner, create a floor plan and agenda
with eating times, three weeks before the party.
• Two Tuesdays before, order any kosher dinners your guests
need, if you are not using a kosher caterer.
• Two Wednesdays before, assign tables.
• The weekend before, firm up seating assignments as much
as possible, so the Monday before you can give the table assignment
list to the planner for seating cards.
• The day before, deliver or have your planner deliver
any extras for setup, like hotel guest giveaways.
• On the special day, take a deep breath, collect your
thoughts and make sure that you express your love and pride
to your bar or bat mitzvah child.
Make the celebration a reflection of the bar/bat mitzvah child’s
style with the following personalized touches:
• Invitations.
• Theme.
• Sign-in board.
• Decorations, from color scheme to centerpieces, to flowers
and table settings.
• Service and party outfit.
• Music selection.
• Entertainment.
• Event menu.
• Cake.
• Candle lighting ceremony.
• Favors and giveaways.
Need more background on bar and bat mitzvahs? The books listed
provide context in all the essentials, including how to celebrate
in a chic and economical fashion, as well how to honor spirituality
at the event and throughout one’s lifetime.
• The Ultimate Bar/Bat Mitzvah Celebration Book: A Guide
to Inspiring Ceremonies and Joyous Festivities (Clarkson Potter).
• Make Your Own Bar/Bat Mitzvah: A Personal Approach to
Creating a Meaningful Rite of Passage (Jossey-Bass).
• The Complete Bar/Bat Mitzvah Planner: An Indispendable,
Money-Saving Workbook For Organizing Every Aspect of the Event
(St. Martin’s Griffin).
• For Kids— Putting God on Your Guest List (Jewish
Lights Publishing).
Jenna Greditor is the associate editor.
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