Befriending Bullies
How to reclaim your self-esteem and stop getting picked on by your so-called peers.

by Izzy Kalman

TWEENS & TEENS News December 2006

Do kids pick on you? Do they make fun of you, spread nasty rumors or make insulting gestures? Do they hit or threaten you? Do they exclude you from their group? Whether or not you’ve been taunted by others, it’s vital you know how to react.

Schools all over the country have been adopting anti-bully programs so that kids won’t have to experience bullying. But I have bad news for you. These anti-bully programs don’t work very well. Recently, a psychologist named David Smith looked at all the scientific research on whole-school anti-bully programs to see how they are working. You know what he discovered? They usually don’t help, and often make the bullying problem worse.

You may be able to get your school to punish kids for bullying you, but that is not going to make anyone like you, respect you or want to be your friend. In fact, it may make kids hate you and want to beat you up or get you in trouble. If you are waiting for your school to make other kids be nice to you, you’ll likely have to wait a very long time.

Fear not. I also have good news for you. You can make people stop bullying you, and you don’t need anyone else’s help. In truth, you are the only person who can eliminate bullies from your life. You can’t stop anyone from picking on you once, but whether the bully keeps picking on you depends on how you respond. And think about it: Do you really want to rely on other people to protect you from bullying? Wouldn’t it be nice if you could do it all by yourself? Of course it would. No matter how big or strong or mean your bullies seem, you can make them all stop picking on you if you know the rules.

There is a psychological theory called locus of control. “Locus” means center. There are people who have an external locus of control. This means they believe that what happens to them in life depends on forces outside of themselves. Other people have an internal locus of control. They believe they are in control of their own lives. People who are happy and successful tend to have an internal locus of control, while those who are miserable and feel like failures tend to have an external locus of control. Therefore, if you want to be happy and successful, it is a good idea to stop blaming bullies and start taking responsibility for yourself.

I can’t teach you everything you need to know in this short article, but I can get you on the right track. For more help, go to www.Bullies2Buddies.com, and read my free online manual, “How to Stop Being Teased and Bullied without Really Trying.” My book, Bullies to Buddies: How to turn your enemies into friends (Wisdom Pages), teaches how to deal with just about any bullying situation you may encounter.

For now, I want you to think about two main things: winning and losing, and friends and enemies.

Winning and Losing
Do you think of kids who upset you as “bullies?” You probably do. Your school may even be encouraging you to think this way. But is the word “bully” a compliment? No. It’s an insult, just like “wimp,” “nerd,” “sucker” or “loser.” Would you like people to think of you in this insulting way? Of course not. Then you shouldn’t be labeling people as bullies either. Why should they want to be nice to you if you think of them so rudely?

Very few people think they are bullies. However, do you have someone in your life that gets mad at you often— a brother, sister, parent, friend or classmate? Well, why do you think they are getting mad at you? Is it because you’re being nice to them? No. It’s most likely because you are bullying them. Yes, almost everybody in the world is a bully, but we often don’t realize it.

Bullying is not something that only happens between kids in school. It happens throughout life, and the worst bullying goes on right at home. There is no such thing as a life in which everyone is always nice to you. The sooner you learn to deal with bullying, the sooner your life will improve.

Rather than consider people as bullies and victims, it’s more useful to think of them as winners and losers. Life is like a game; the bullies are winning, which is why they’re having a great time, and the victims are losing, which is why they are miserable. If you are a victim, you wish you could be winning, but it’s impossible to win if you don’t know the rules of the game. To win, you don’t have to be bigger and stronger than your bullies. All you have to do is understand the rules for winning, and no one will be able to defeat you.

Friends and Enemies
You want people to treat you like a friend. Enemies hurt you and make you miserable. But can you get people to treat you like a friend if you treat them like an enemy? Of course not. They will treat you like an enemy, right back. The only way you can get people to treat you like a friend is if you treat them like a friend.

Now, it’s very obvious to you that your bullies are treating you like an enemy. What you don’t realize is that you are treating them like an enemy, too. Do you get angry with your bullies? Do you defend yourself from them? Are you afraid of them? Do you hate them and try to get revenge? Do you try to get them in trouble with the teacher or principal? If so, you are treating them like enemies. You must stop doing these kinds of things. Just because they may have been the first to treat you like an enemy, it doesn’t make it right to treat them the same negative way. You must treat them like friends even when they treat you like an enemy. You will discover that before long everyone likes and respects you, and supposed enemies stop trying to be mean to you.

Yet, how do you treat people like friends when they bully you? The single most important thing is to refuse to get angry or upset. The following are some winning ways to handle situations:

Someone insults your race or religion. Respond: “You know, a lot of people think that way about my family. Do you have any idea why?”

A kid calls you “gay.” Respond: “Oh, really? What about me makes you think I’m gay?”
A kid pushes you or hits you. Respond: “Are you mad at me?” If the person says he is not mad, he’ll realize he has no good reason to keep attacking you, and he’ll leave you alone. If he is mad, ask him why. Then apologize if you did something wrong.

A kid threatens you, “Give me your lunch money or I’ll beat you up after school.” Respond: “I wish I could buy you lunch, but I can’t. If you want, though, you can come to my house for dinner sometime. My Mom’s an amazing cook!”

Suppose a kid challenges you with a rumor, for instance, “I heard that you wet your bed at night.” Respond: “Do you believe that rumor?” If he says, “Yes,” answer, “you can believe it if you wish,” and you win. If he answers, “No,” you also win.

Kids tell you, “You can’t be in our group anymore.” Respond, “Then I won’t be in the group.” If they see you don’t care, they are more likely to want you to stay in the group.

Kids try to force you to choose between friends, such as, “You can’t be my friend if you’re going to be Jamal’s friend.” Respond: “I will always consider you my friend. However, if you can’t be my friend because of Jamal, that’s your choice.” You must refuse to choose. Make it clear that it is the other person’s choice, not yours. And enjoy all your friendships.

Izzy Kalman is a nationally certified school psychologist who lives in Staten Island and gives seminars throughout the country on bullying and relationship problems. He is the author of the book Bullies to Buddies: How to turn your enemies into friends (Wisdom Pages) and the Web site www.Bullies2Buddies.com, which is full of free information on how to end the problem of bullying.