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When in Doubt
Talking about religion with your uncertain teen.
by Ronnie Friedland

PARENTGUIDE News April 2006

In this holiday season of Easter and Passover, adults often look forward to carrying on the family traditions they were raised with— whether they typically attend church for Easter Sunday followed by a big family meal, or they enjoy a symbolic family Passover Seder with extended family. Adolescents in the family, however, may have a different perspective. Tweens and younger teens (ages 11 to 14 years) may resent the time away from their peers, while older teens (ages 15 to 18) may challenge the religious basis for the holidays altogether.

As parents, how should we respond when our teens challenge our cherished traditions and beliefs?

Adolescence is a time of experimentation, when kids try out all kinds of things. So these sorts of challenges are normal, says Karen Kushner, a clinical social worker and director of San Francisco-based Project Welcome, an outreach program for interfaith families, unaffiliated Jews and others supported by the Union of Reform Judaism. It is important to avoid a power struggle with your children over these issues, cautions Kushner. Instead, she suggests, try to engage them in a discussion. If your child doesn’t want to go to church, synagogue or mosque, in a neutral— not a disapproving or challenging— tone, you might say, “Okay, then how are you going to be a Christian (or Jew, Muslim, Hindu or Buddhist)? How will you express it?”

This approach, Kushner counsels, puts the responsibility on your teens to come up with a way of expressing their religion and subtly suggests that they have a way to express their religion and thoughts on the topic.

Our goal as parents, Kushner emphasizes, is to help our kids come up with their own, authentic way of being a member of their religion. Kids should find a way of expressing the religion that fits them.

Kushner’s guidance ties into what Courtney Nathan, a clinical social worker in New Orleans, emphasizes, which is the need to treat teens with respect even as they question and challenge us. “Treat them as you would a close friend whose opinion you value,” Nathan says.

If your children want to explore other religions, Nathan says, give them that freedom, but also offer to accompany your teens on their exploration, whether to other churches, synagogues, mosques, Buddhist or Hindu temples, lectures at a local college or meetings with clergy. Like Kushner, Nathan advocates that parents try to help teens articulate their own theories and beliefs.

Should parents offer their own opinions? Nathan advises to ask kids what they think about and believe. But question them in a conversational, curious tone, not an adversarial or sarcastic one.

If your child raises doubts about your religion, both Wendy Weltman Palmer, a clinical social worker in Dallas, and Kushner agree that it is okay to offer your own beliefs— what it is you value about the religion and why you want to pass it on to your child. However, state your views as your opinion, not as a rule for the child.

Also, cautions Nathan, if a child brings up doubts about religion, don’t just let it go.
Bring it up again, perhaps a week later, following up with questions regarding how the
teen feels about it then, so he won’t be all alone with his feelings.

Kushner also feels that when a child expresses doubts about your religion, it is helpful for parents to respond with their own doubts and questions: “Yes, I also am uncomfortable with that, but what moves me is that… And this is why we chose to raise you in our religion, because our religion offers an important value.”

This kind of response informs the questioning teen how you as a parent balance your positive and negative feelings about the religion, showing that you are not blind to its weaknesses, but you choose to affiliate for the reasons you cite as important. This might open the door for increased honesty and communication between you and your child regarding these and other issues.

Sometimes teens don’t want to go through with a planned confirmation or bar/bat mitzvah. Palmer believes that if this happens, it is important to spell out just what they would lose by not participating, as well as what they would gain by participating. For example, by not participating adolescents may not be considered fully part of the religion, yet if they go through with the said ceremony, they may find acceptance within a special community. It might also prove useful to have a clergyman help explain the larger consequences of not declaring oneself part of the religion.

Palmer emphasizes that it is most important to maintain non-hostile communication with your child over the child’s religious exploration. Also, let the teen know that if he doesn’t want to talk to you about it, there are other people available.

All three experts agree that religious questioning and exploration are normal during adolescence and should be treated with respect. Hopefully, after a healthy amount of searching, your child will begin to develop his/her own religious beliefs, which will be all the more authentic and meaningful for having gone through a period of questioning.

Here are some general tips to remember when raising adolescents who feel uncertain about which religion to observe:
• Try to maintain a non-hostile, tolerant dialogue if teens want to explore their beliefs and spirituality in other directions. Engaging in a power struggle with teens will further alienate them.
• Let your children know they can talk with you— or that you can put them in touch with others with whom they may feel more comfortable while talking about these issues.
• Consider accompanying them to lectures or visits to other religious services. Your presence will both validate the search and remind the teen that you respect his or her choices.
• Calmly discuss the implications of participating in or avoiding religious events such as confirmations, bar/bat mitzvahs and traditional ceremonies.

Ronnie Friedland is editor of InterfaithFamily.com and co-editor, with Edmund Case, of The Guide to Jewish Interfaith Family Life: An InterfaithFamily.com Handbook (Jewish Lights).